Wednesday, December 3, 2008

So I didn't make the first time....

Alright. I admit it. I totally fell off the wagon. Actually, the wagon turned around and ran me over. I have friends on the wagon. They're hollering at me to get back on. They're holding out their hands, trying to help me. What do I do? I just lay there. Wallowing in my own self pity. Using the fat of my arm as a pillow. I tell myself I'm comfortable. I know it's a lie but it works. At least for now. Not as much as before though. I know I failed. I'm ready to try again.

Isn't that what life's about? Failing and then getting back up, dusting yourself off, and trying again? Or is that just me?

Christmas is not about what present you give or receive. It isn't about how much money you have to spend. It's about family. Friends. Love. Which is a darn good thing because I have no money for any of that present stuff. I do, however, have a lot of love to pass around and hugs to share.

The boys and I are hoping for a lot of snow in the next few days. We are so ready to go sledding!!! I love it! And, it's great exercise walking up the hill 50 bazillion times. Anyone is welcome to join us sledding. All I ask is that you actually sled ;-) None of that sitting in your car crap. You know who you are ;-)

Monday, November 10, 2008

7 Wonders Of Tracy

Blah Blah 7 things about you Blah Blah tag other people

Something like that. I didn't copy it.

1. I used to sleep walk and I still talk in my sleep. I have walked out of hotel rooms and locked myself out. One time, my friend informed me, I got up and started jumping. I thought I was on a trampoline. I can hold a conversation in my sleep. Not sure how much sense I make though. I have woken myself up before by yelling at something.

2. My cousin talked me into peeing in my snowsuit to stay warm. I was around 5 years old. I was warm for maybe 30 seconds then it froze. Very miserable. The same cousin also tried talking me into eating poop. Thank goodness I didn't fall for that one.

3. I have an aversion to turning left. I will turn right and drive around the block before I turn left. If I am already on the street and only have to turn in front of one lane of traffic, I'm fine. I have hyperventilated before. I get worked up. It's not pretty. Ganger hated it.

4. I have an anger problem. I take drugs for it. I've gotten pissed off at a pencil that rolled off my desk before. It had no right to fall on the floor and make me bend over to pick it up. Yeah, it's that bad.

5. I set my playroom on fire when I was 5ish. I liked to play with matches and birthday candles. I kept it under control for so long. Then, on that fateful day, the candle burnt down to far, the flame licked my finger, and I dropped it on the shag carpet. Mom and dad came running in and were able to stomp the fire out. I was sent to my room. My father came in to punish me and I thought that burning my finger was punishment enough. My parents didn't see it that way. I believe I am still grounded to this day.

6. I have psoriasis on my arms, in my belly button, in my ears, and on my scalp. It's very very very dry skin. It itches and hurts.

7. I was born with black hair. It went white when I was 8 and has been gradually going darker ever since. I had blonde hair with really dark eyebrows growing up. People wondered if my mom bleached my hair. She didn't. I now color my hair and am not really sure what my natural color is anymore.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Free at last! My arm is free at last!

The cast is off!! It is so liberating to have the use of my right hand back. It's not 100% yet but I know I'll get there. The wound wasn't exactly what I, or the doctor, was expecting. Actually, the doctor came in and said "Oh shit. What went wrong?" Not something you want to hear. I cried. For some reason the stitches rolled over and it looked like a skin wave on my wrist. It has since slightly flattened out and the scab has fallen off. It looks better. I'm doing physical therapy to help get the last 10% of use I seem to be missing. I can't wait to put my bra on like a normal person!!

The hospital is offering a health screening and if you partake you can save money off your insurance premiums. Of course I participated. It consists of a blood draw for lipid panel and thyroid. The lady poked me 4 times. Like they always say "Fourth times a charm". Wait, that doesn't sound right....Anyways, they also weigh you on the Tanita scale which is what I get weighed on at the clinic. I'm down 6 pounds from my begining weight!! Woot Woot!! It's slow but it's going.

Here are my measurements from 3 months ago:

Here are my measurements from today:

I must toot my own horn right now. TOOT!! TOOT!!!

For the last three weekends I have been going to pumpkin patches. On October 11th, Cassie, Brandon, Travis, Jackson, Howard, Landon and I went to Fashion Farm in Ligonier. We had a good time. Here are some pictures from that:

This last weekend, Christy, Taylor, Landon and I went to the Pumpkin Patch in Elkhart. That was really cool. Here's some pictures from that:

Tuesday, October 7, 2008


I'm back on the sidelines. I've been doing great. Working out. Eating right. I'm eating right but I have to take a break with working out. I had surgery on my right wrist last Friday. I had a Ganglino cyst that had intertwinned throughout my tendons and bones. They put me out completely. I love going under! I know I'm weird but I love it! I was talking to the nurse about something and then next thing I know I'm waking up looking at a complelty different person. And, she's telling me I can't have coffee with cream and sugar yet. I said I didn't ask for any and she told me I just had. Even under anesthetics I want my coffee! Just so you know, I never got any coffee.

I was under the impression that this surgery wasn't going to be anything big. 30 minutes and Dr. Mclain is in and out. Turns out it lasted an hour. No big deal. I also thought I was going to have a nice little splint. Effective yet not invasive. This is what I ended up with (look below). I'm trying to learn how to use my left hand. It's hard. In fact, it's hard to type this out. Forgive my mistakes.

I went to Kerchers this last Sunday for their Harvest Festival thing. I went with Howard, Christy, Taylor, Landon, and Angie. I had a blast! We went through the corn maze. Taylor and Angie led us down a dead end. Go figure ;-) Landon had a hard time picking out his pumpkin. He was more interested in playing in the dirt. Eh, he's 4. Angie got an awesome green pumpkin. So did Taylor. The hayride was a blast. The family enjoyed it.

Here are my future farmers!!!

It was a good weekend despite my burgered up arm. Only 1.5 weeks left in the cast!! Yay! I'll be measuring myself at the end of the week. I'll post it for you all to see. Gives you something to look forward to ;-)

Thursday, September 18, 2008

4 Pounds!

Word up! I totally thought I had already blogged about my doctor visits but I didn't. I guess some of my brains melted away along with my 4 pounds. Yup, I lost 4 pounds! Yay!! That's a pound a week. A good way to lose. I haven't remeasured yet. I'm gonna do that when I'm half way through the program. I think that will be the end of October.

The doctors said I'm doing great. I met with both Dr. Hawkins and Lunch Lady. Not real sure of the purpose of meeting with Dr. Hawkins. We just chatted. Lunch Lady and I had a nice visit. I didn't keep up with my food log very good. It's really hard to get in the habit. I'm going to buy a little notebook and keep it in my purse. I think that may help. She gave me a workbook to work on. Hence the name "work"book. I'm finding it very interesting. It delves deep into your thinking. I don't share it with anyone so I'm supposed to be completly honest. That's hard. Even when you know no one will see what you say. I'm finding that I hide a lot from myself. You wouldn't think that's possible but it is. I make up excuses for myself and I don't even know it. I've been doing it for so long. Makes me wonder what else I've kept from myself.

I have my surgery consultation next Thursday. I have a ganglion cyst on the top of my right wrist. It sticks almost half an inch up. It's also called a Bible Bump because the old remedy for them is to smash them with a large book which happened to be the family Bible. Dad whacked me twice and nothing happened. Well, something did. I screamed. I cried. And I swore. But the bump was still there. Therefore, it's getting cut out. I'm ready for that. Stupid bump hurts. I wear a brace to cushion it so I don't vomit when it accidently hits something.

Did you hear the one about me falling in Hacienda? Ever since I've turned 29 life has been rough. I've hurt about everything on my body. Not good. I'm looking forward to 30.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Watch Out For Whiplash

Alright, I'm back at it. Slight delay with the working out portion. I got whiplash from tubing at Dr. Pennington's on Sunday the 16th. I know, it sounds lame. I'm telling ya', that man was bound and determined to knock Deana and I off that tube. I was more determined to not fall off. I won yet he got the last laugh. For those of you that don't know, whiplash is very painful. Very painful.
I have tried to keep up with my walking. I seem to do much better when I go to the clinic and walk there. I'm more focused on what I'm doing. I think it's because there isn't anything to steal my focus from walking. No animals or pretty flowers for me to veer off my path to go see. No sprinklers to run through or around, depending on my mood. While walking on the treadmill I either wear my earphones or I watch the tv they have. To hear the tv you need to wear the headphones they provide. I don't wear them. I watch silently. Yeah, that doesn't really make time go by faster but it can get interesting. I like to close my eyes and daydream while I'm walking. Sometimes I picture myself walking along the beach and sometimes I'm going through the woods. Sometimes I'm just walking along and I meet the man of my dreams along the path. Never happens in real life. That's why it's called daydreaming. There's some little tidbits about my walking.

My diet has sucked ass. Yes, I said it, sucked ass. I'm not doing very good. I do try. I went grocery shopping and purchased all new food. I threw away the crap I had at home that was not good for me to eat. I really don't like having to pay attention. I don't enjoy having to see how many carbs are in the meal before I can eat it. I want to eat healthy. I really want to lose weight. Why can't I bring myself to enjoy the carb counting part? Why do I have to fight with myself? Why can't I just see where I'm coming from? Sometimes I think it would just be easier if I simply quit eating. There wouldn't be anything to count. I wouldn't have to pay attention. However, I'd get hungry. I'm not a fan of being hungry. It actually scares me. I've never been deprived of food but I'm scared of not having any. I got some issues. I have an appointment with Lunch Lady on Thursday. I'll ask her how I can handle it better.

I also have an appointment with Dr. Hawkins on Thursday. Wonder what he'll have to say to me. Not sure really what we're gonna cover. I couldn't take the medication he wanted me to. I haven't finished the book he wanted me to read. I will get weighed and find out all my new percentages. Maybe I'll get a new pair of sunglasses! It's doubtful but keep your fingers crossed!

Friday, August 22, 2008

My Goals

My goals

In this little book I have about eating right it says to set goals and reward yourself (with things other than food). This here is my list of goals and the ways I would like to reward myself. Let me know your thoughts on other ideas for rewards. How would you reward yourself? I've already been told I should use sex. I'm not ruling that out as an option, just so you know ;-)

Lose total of 3 pounds (don't want to start off to big) Buy a new pair of sunglasses
Lose total of 8 pounds Buy a new pair of shoes
Lose total of 12 pounds Get a pedicure
Lose total of 15 pounds Buy a new outfit

That's as far as I'm gonna plan out right now. I have a total goal of 100 pounds lost. Yeah, not even going to think that big right now. I'll get scared and run away otherwise.

I did not do good this week. I only did a full workout on Monday. I didn't follow any diet rules. I thought "It's my birthday week. I'm not gonna care" Well, now I do feel rather bad. I'm back on the wagon. I never reallllllly fell off. I tried to jump off the wagon but my foot got stuck and I spent the last week hanging from the wagon bumping my head on all the jagged rocks. I pulled myself in with my massive arm muscles and I'm ready to ride again. BTW-I don't have massive arm muscles. I made that part up.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Seriously? Where's the rest of the food?

WARNING!! I am in the process of changing my eating habits. It's not going to be pretty. Please bear with me.

I met with my dietitian Thursday. She's a very nice lady, alas, I do not remember her name. Let's call her lunch lady. I had fun with her. We laughed. I cried. It was emotional. I have an unhealthy relationship with food. I love it. I didn't get this figure from shunning away from good food. Lunch lady decided to put me on an insulin resistance diet. I have a family history of diabetes and we're trying to be proactive.

The plus side is that no foods are totally out of my life. Of course most are better for me than others. The hardest part is going to be portion control. What is with this world? I am so accustomed to large portion sizes. Have you ever seen the right way? There's barely any food there. I asked lunch lady if she was hiding the rest behind her pyramid. She just laughed at me. I need to get me a set of rubber food like she has and carry it around so I can compare sizes. I am allotted 2-3 servings (which is 15 grams a serving) of carbs per lunch and dinner. 2-3 servings of meat/cheese and 1 serving of fat. I also have a breakfast and snack in there.

They took my weight again at this appointment. I gained 1.5 pounds. Not good. However, I lost 4% body fat and gained 2% muscle. They said that's good. I'm gonna believe them.

Work outs are going great. I'm actually enjoying that part. I got my Gazelle thingy set up in my living room for those days I don't feel like walking. It's a nice change up.

It's gonna be hell these next few weeks. I hope beyond hope that I start to see results. It will make it so much easier!

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

You won't believe it. Or, maybe you will

Good morning!

I have my dietitian appointment Thursday afternoon. I'm telling ya', keeping a food diary is not fun. You go to eat something and then it's like 'I have to write this down. Is it worth it?' I was not supposed to change my food habits at all for the first 3 weeks but I found myself tweaking it along the way. I'm super excited about meeting the diet lady. Again, no clue what her name is. Actually I'm not even sure it's a her but we're just going to assume. I'll let you know. I am scared for one thing after I start the diet portion. I don't want people watching everything I eat. I don't want to be judged for having a cookie. Of course I want everyone to help me stay on track but I don't want ridicule for what I eat.

I doubled up my work out yesterday. I wasn't really feeling anything after I did a full work out. I was tired but not sore. I want to feel it. I want to suffer ;-) Ok, that may be extreme but you get my point. I talked to Jeff yesterday after I did my 30 minute warm-up on the treadmill. He agreed that I could step it up. I am now doing 2 sets of 10 reps on each machine. I'll do that for a week and then see if I can increase my weights. My legs are sore but my arms aren't. I wish I could feel something in them. Then I'd know that it was working.

Shelly helped me measure my body this morning. I'm not seeing a change in weight but maybe there's a change in my diameter. Maybe not but it's worth a try. Are you ready for this? I'm not. But I'm gonna tell you anyways. Most of you have seen me in a swimsuit so this won't be that much of a shock for you. For the others, please pick your chin up off the floor ;-)

Arms ~ 16.5
Bust ~ 53.5
Waist ~ 51
Hips ~ 54.25
Leg ~ 26.5

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Early does not make me happy

I did it!! I got up early this morning and went to the gym. As much as I want to say I loved it, I didn't. At all. Getting up early is for the birds and only the birds. I had to swear at myself to get me out of bed. I hurt my own feelings :-( It was not pretty. But I made it there by 6:38am. There was only one other lady there that was crazy enough to wake up early. I only walked for 15 minutes. I wasn't sure how much time I had since this was my first time in the morning and I had to shower and get to work by 8am.

I did my work out, which did feel good, but I got all hot and sweaty. I think I may be ready to add some more sets or more weight. I'll bring that up to "The Lady" next week. I still don't know her name. The guys name is Jeff. That's all I know.

I showered after my work out. I was so proud of myself for packing my scrubs and everything so I could go straight to work afterwards. I'm laying out my clothes for after my shower when I realize I am not as good as I thought I was. I forgot to pack underwear. There's no way I was gonna wear the dirty ones I just exercised in. No way I could not wear any underwear. It doesn't seem right with khaki pants that are thin. I ended up having to run home before going to work so I could put underwear on. I also had a glass of water while I was home.

I totally made it to work on time. Not a problem. I know I have to keep doing this early Thursday morning thing but I'm not happy about it. People say that you get used to it. I have my own theory. I am not fit enough to enjoy early morning work outs. It wears me out and I get grouchy. However, for fit and trim people it's fun because they don't have the extra weight to carry around. And they're usually crazy people anyways. But I love them!!

I don't think I've lost any weight. I feel the same. I'm more of an instant gratification person. I wish I saw some sort of difference. I think it would help with my determination.

Thanks again for all our help and support! I love you all!!! Shannon, you rock my world. I miss you!!

Friday, August 1, 2008

Week One Down!

I have got to start off with thanking everyone for all the love and support I have received. It has been amazing!! When there are times I no longer believe in myself I can remember that you all believe in me and that will get me through. You are all amazing!!

My first week is done. As you may remember, I am unable to take Topamax for migraines because I am allergic. Remember that, it will come in handy later.

Monday went great! I went to the gym after work. I did the whole workout. It took me about an hour. By the time I made it to the big ball for crunches I wanted to crawl. I have to admit though, I did feel good. I left there a sweaty smelly girl and I loved it!! I cooked chicken with zuchinni, broccoli, and green peppers for dinner. My mamma came over and ate with me. I had to run to Walgreens to pick up some stuff and I ran into the pharmacist. He rememeberd me. I asked if he wanted his Topamax back and he said flush it down the toilet and never ever take it again. A puffy face is a face one never forgets.

I didn't go to the gym on Tuesday. It was a walking day so I figured I'd walk around my neighborhood after work. I really should have gone to the gym in the morning because by the time I got off work it was so freaking hot. The gym closes at 4:30 on Tuesday. I only walked for 15 minutes. I wanted to cry! I'm not a huge fan of intense heat and humidity.

I did my 30 minute walk on Wednesday. It was nice. Got some frustrations out. Love you Shell!!!
I am embarrassed to admit I didn't do my workout Thursday. I woke up at the time my alarm went off and my head was exploding. I serioulsy thought my nose was gonna blow off my face. I had a migraine. Can you believe it?? A freaking migraine. I went back to bed and woke up at 8am. I'm supposed to be at work at 8am. I called them and said I'd be in when I could. Not a nice day. Rather painful. No workout. I feel quilty. Kinda like I already failed but it's only the first week. I can totally make it up.

I'm looking forward to next week. I hope it turns out a bit better than this one. I'm really gonna push myself. I'm ready to be buff and sexy!! Whoa!!

Monday, July 28, 2008

No mas Topamax!

I'm done with the Topamax. I had an allergic reaction to it Friday night. I was sitting there watching tv and next thing I know my throat is swelling up. I was having a hard time breathing and swallowing. I texted Deana to see what I should do. She told me to take Benadryl. Of course I didn't have any at my house so I had to make a trip to Walgreens.

On my way to the store I notice that I can see my cheeks. Normally, when I look down, I can see an outline of my cheeks. Not this time. I had a full mountainous view of them. I pulled down my visor to check out my face. Yup. It was swollen too. My heart was beating so fast. It was not a good time to have a panic attack. I go into Walgreens and demand Benadryl from the Pharmacist. He didn't ask why. Guess he saw it in my SWOLLEN FACE!!!! I purchased my drugs and a Diet Coke and as soon as I got in my car I took two pills. Now what?

I didn't want to be alone, in case it got worse and I could no longer breathe at all, so I went to Mark and Brandon's house. I hung out there until my Benadryl started kicking in. My throat started loosening up. I could breathe better, and the Benadryl was starting to kick my sleepy butt. I decided I had to drive home then and there if I was going to make it home at all. I made it home. Don't really remember the trip though.

Deana said not to go to sleep until my throat was unswollen. I fought to keep myself awake until I felt safe enough to fall asleep. I slept hard. My alarm went off at 9am and I did not want to get out of bed. But I did. And I worked at the fair. And I babysat Lilly. And I crashed Saturday night.

Moral of this story is I will never be taking Topamax again.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Starting Out

For those of you that know me, know that I struggle with my weight. I have for the past 10 years. It's just been a fact of life for me. Well, I am going to change that fact! I am taking charge of my self and am finally doing something about it. Sure I've tried different things in the past. Weigh Watchers, Abs Diet, Curves, etc... They all had their short-term postive outcomes. However, the after effects were disasterous. I would lose 10 pounds and put on 20. Now, I'm not the best at math but even I know that's bad. Real bad. Next thing I know, I'm up to the weight I'm at now. Are you curious what that is? Me too! I haven't fully decided if I'm gonna share that secret yet or not.

You may be wondering why I'm so willing to put something so private out in the open. I'm asking myself the same thing!! How scary!! One word: ACCOUNTABILITY. If I'm telling all you guys about me doing this then I have to stick with it and do it. Does that make sense? I got the idea from a woman who works for a Chicago magazine that is doing the same thing. I figured if she could do it then so can I.

I will be posting my thoughts, feelings, and frustrations. My plan is to keep this updated as often as possible and post a picture from the start, middle and end. I am looking for encouragement and words of wisdom. I am not looking for "I told you so" or anything negative. If you want to make fun of fat people, this is not the place to do it. I will first shut down my blog and then find you and sit on you. Consider yourself forewarned.

The program I am doing is called PositiveLite and is offered through Goshen Hospital. Since I am a colleauge there I get a really nice discount, which helps tremendously. It's 6 months long. I meet with a doctor, nurse practioner, personal trainer, and dietician at various times throughout the month. They have a workout facility that is open to me and a counselor that I can talk to when I feel the desire.

I had my first consultation with Dr. Hawkins on Tuesday. He is a funny guy. Kinda out there actually. We talked a lot about me. He said I have a great personality for poor weight management. That's always nice to hear. I guess OCD only takes you so far. We discussed my migraines. He put me on Topamax. It's supposed to help migraines and seizures. It also substitutes as a weight loss drug. It has some frightening side effects. I started it Tuesday night. Looking forward to the craziness starting. Sometimes my mind gets to spinning, I get really sleepy, and I start slurring my words. Good times. Can't wait till I have to double the dose next week. Memory loss and suicidal thoughts are two prominent side effects. I told the girls at work that if I don't show up some day that they better check on me. I may have tried to kill myself or I just plum forgot to come into work. Either way, I'll need help. (In case you didn't know, joking is my way of coping)

I had my first fitness training consult today. The lady, I call her "The lady" because I don't remember her name, is really nice. We sat and chatted for a little bit then onto the machines. They have their own facility right there at the center. I tried and learned every machine there. We devised my workout plan. I will start on the treadmill for 30 minutes. Then work my way through the 8 machines that exert all my muscles. Last but not least I will do sit-ups with the help of a giant ball that I have an unhealthy fear of falling off of. I need to do this routine 2-3 times a week and the days I am not doing it I am supposed to walk for 30 minutes. I can totally do that, right??

I'm starting to get nervous.